The New Dilemma!

What a week!

My hubby had two job interviews, one on Monday the other on Tuesday.
I have had earache most of the week.
My boss has expected miracles from me when he drops things on me to complete yesterday (but I think the majority has one of those!)

The 'piesta resistance' - the job hubby really really would like, has a phone interview on Tuesday. Whats the deal with that then? Well he is in the running for this job, the agency have told him he ticks all the boxes. The company have had this position open for six months now and all the people the prospective employers have looked at are not suitable.

Im so excited!

We will have to relocate to the Isle of Man - Island between Ireland and Wales!

I get the feeling he is looking for reasons not to take it.
Having to pack up the house - told him I have sold 5 houses and moved so thats not an issue.
Its not fair on you - hell I want to move he just has to get the job!
Stepdaughter visits - he has said she is at the age were she will want to spend more time with her friends etc. This has already started asking to go to a party instead of our weekend.
The expense of visitations - he will be earning loads more and we could see about once a month instead of every other weekend.

For me the dilemma is I WANT THIS. No disrespect to any english, part of my family is english, but I have not settled here and find the community spirit Im used to in Ireland does not exist, and I struggle.

The Isle of Man is 31miles long by 13 miles wide, the associate in my office is from the Isle of Man and he told me if its community I want then I would be going to the right place.

If hubby gets the job then what. Im worried that any issues raised in relation to my stepdaughter would make me resentful and I dont want that. I dont want to feel trapped either.

So there you go the next dilemma in my stepmum life.

Honestly!

I can safely say as a new stepmum I walked into my new family situation, three years ago, totally naïve. I can still hear the words in my head ‘stepdaughter comes first’, ‘don’t worry I’m sure we will get along just fine’; after the concern voiced by my hubby.

Then at the first ripple when my toe hit the stepfamily waters it was like a ten ton truck, driven by my husbands ex, trying to run me over. Must stress though three years on and we are all on a more even keel now. Phew!

If I had only been honest with my husband and more so myself the stress, tension and heartache would probably not have existed and a few years of life not lost. I do know that ‘what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger’ and Im very much alive. I have come through it and although there may be the odd hiccup Im honest with my husband and myself.

A fellow blogger Mesina author of And Then There Was Me…. Defines honesty in a fabulous post, ‘The Many Faces of Honesty’

Imagine for one second, your life without honesty. Honesty enters your life in many forms, has been there from the time you arrived until the day your last breath is taken. Think about it, you don't have to look that hard to see……..

I will continue with further extracts in a moment, but I would like to keep to the main point of honesty within the stepfamily.

My Husband …. I started as a stepmum and kept all my annoyances and irritations that my stepdaughter unwittingly hit me with. Taking the remote and flicking channels while you were watching your favourite unmissable programme. Taking the phone and making calls without asking permission. Raiding the fridge etc. etc. I had to ask permission as a child, why not her!
The tension and pressure built up and up until one Sunday it exploded!!!
Boy did it explode!!
Crying, arguing and at one point talk of separation. I can look back now and see if only I had been honest with him!

Eating away at a woman's heart is a secret she keeps in silence. To unleash it would change the life she knows. She tries hard to confront the door she keeps tightly closed, she opens her mouth so many times to give it away but only silence ensues. That is the fear of honesty.

I was scared.

My Stepdaughter…. I thought I was going to be her best pal. I thought we would go girlie shopping and do all the girlie things together. But she was not interested. It was rejection and dejection all with a smile. It left me confused. If I had been honest with her instead of trying to win her over then things would probably be different.

Somewhere today a Mother is laying her eyes for the first time upon her newborn baby. After many months she is finally able to see the shining face she's longed for. Nothing exists in that room except that child and she cries. That is the beauty of honesty.

I needed to remember she already had a mother.

Myself … above all else I needed to be honest to myself. I was not and it caused such tension and raised emotions. You can not know how being a stepmother can affect you and your married life unless you have walked a mile in our shoes.

So I put it to all new stepmums be honest with those around you, but most of all be honest to yourself.

It doesn't always feel good and sometimes we sacrafice so much in order to live our lives honestly. But compare that to a life lived dishonestly and I assure you it is better to face the pain than live a life of lies.

Thank you to Mesina for granting me permission to use extracts from her blog post ‘The Many Faces of Honesty’ you can view the full post by clicking here.

The Stepchildren in your wedding

Its very easy to get swept up in wedding plans, but you do need to consider the stepchildren.

They will most likely have settled into a routine between both parents houses, then all of a sudden the dynamic is changing again. This is when you may find most resistance.

A slow introduction to the stepchildren will help things seem less confusing for them.

Set out to build a relationship with them. This will be hard as you will most likely have to go at the childs pace and all children are different.

If you wish to include them in the wedding party you could make them bridesmaid or page boy, sprinkling rose petals or handing out orders of service. Whichever you chose it will go towards reassuring them they have a place in the new family and are important to you to be included in the wedding.

There are books that the children can fill in and keep , also you can ask them to help you make small decisions eg. will we sprinkle 'Hearts' or 'Just Married' confetti on the reception table. The little things will mean so much.

It would also help if the stepchildren were introduced to the others in the wedding party before the big day so they feel more comfortable if others are looking after them for any period of time throughout the wedding.

It is more to consider, but it will be worth it to have a happy bridesmaid, rather than a child out of their depth, crying or throwing a tantrum for attention!

~ BAS

The New Stepmum

Whether you have moved in with your Partner or Married what do you expect as a Stepmum?

For the majority the first steps on the road of stepparenthood can be pretty daunting. Stop and think about it. Have you walked into a home with a Custodial Parent? Does you partner only see their kids every other weekend? Is your partner moving in with you?

Now whatever the situation put yourself in the childs position. Whos that women moving into our house? Daddy doesnt spend as much time with me now that she has moved in? I like our old place I dont want to move?

Scary thoughts right! and probably even worse for a child that may have stability issues having been bounced between parents.

It can be a major upheaval for EVERYONE. As a step parent you are walking into a family unit, with bonds and trust in place. It will take time to bond and trust with a new member of the family so do not expect things to be ideal from the moment you walk through the door, they will not. There will be work to do on both sides.

Boundaries: So that everyone including the kids know the boundaries that is acceptable you must discuss with your partner and then inform the kids. Also seek clarification with your partner they are happy for you to discipline the kids in their absence and what sanctions are appropriate. In doing this your partner will not start to feel they have lost control or that you are unfair in dealing with their children (its the authomatic defence mechanism to protect their children).

Bonds: DO NOT buy off the kids. Children will respect you more if you spend time with them. What I mean is spend time on activites together such as helping to bake cakes, making hand painting picture, having water fights on hot sunny days is a lot more bonding than buying Jimmy a new Wii game and him disappearing into his room for the rest of the weekend.

Birthparents: Regardless of the situation they have a place in the childs life! Depending on your situation that may be hard to swallow. You may never be able to accept that position, but you will have to accept your stepkids feelings and make sure whatever happens you will be there for them. In saying that though, it maybe difficult (or not in some cases) to try and work together, it will be more beneficial for the child. Just do the best you can.

Your Marriage/Relationship: Talk, discuss, be open with each other ooh and did I say TALK! The last thing you should do is clam up. This can cause resentment with your stepkids and build tension within your marriage/relationship. You must make time for your relationship and listen to your partners fears and issues, as well as being open about your own. Also work together and not against each other.


Above all else as a new stepparent, give yourself time!