Tuesday, 4 August 2009


I can safely say as a new stepmum I walked into my new family situation, three years ago, totally naïve. I can still hear the words in my head ‘stepdaughter comes first’, ‘don’t worry I’m sure we will get along just fine’; after the concern voiced by my hubby.

Then at the first ripple when my toe hit the stepfamily waters it was like a ten ton truck, driven by my husbands ex, trying to run me over. Must stress though three years on and we are all on a more even keel now. Phew!

If I had only been honest with my husband and more so myself the stress, tension and heartache would probably not have existed and a few years of life not lost. I do know that ‘what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger’ and Im very much alive. I have come through it and although there may be the odd hiccup Im honest with my husband and myself.

A fellow blogger Mesina author of And Then There Was Me…. Defines honesty in a fabulous post, ‘The Many Faces of Honesty’
Imagine for one second, your life without honesty. Honesty enters your life in many forms, has been there from the time you arrived until the day your last breath is taken. Think about it, you don't have to look that hard to see……..
I will continue with further extracts in a moment, but I would like to keep to the main point of honesty within the stepfamily.

My Husband …. I started as a stepmum and kept all my annoyances and irritations that my stepdaughter unwittingly hit me with. Taking the remote and flicking channels while you were watching your favourite unmissable programme. Taking the phone and making calls without asking permission. Raiding the fridge etc. etc. I had to ask permission as a child, why not her!
The tension and pressure built up and up until one Sunday it exploded!!!
Boy did it explode!!
Crying, arguing and at one point talk of separation. I can look back now and see if only I had been honest with him!
Eating away at a woman's heart is a secret she keeps in silence. To unleash it would change the life she knows. She tries hard to confront the door she keeps tightly closed, she opens her mouth so many times to give it away but only silence ensues. That is the fear of honesty.
I was scared.

My Stepdaughter…. I thought I was going to be her best pal. I thought we would go girlie shopping and do all the girlie things together. But she was not interested. It was rejection and dejection all with a smile. It left me confused. If I had been honest with her instead of trying to win her over then things would probably be different.
Somewhere today a Mother is laying her eyes for the first time upon her newborn baby. After many months she is finally able to see the shining face she's longed for. Nothing exists in that room except that child and she cries. That is the beauty of honesty.
I needed to remember she already had a mother.

Myself … above all else I needed to be honest to myself. I was not and it caused such tension and raised emotions. You can not know how being a stepmother can affect you and your married life unless you have walked a mile in our shoes.

So I put it to all new stepmums be honest with those around you, but most of all be honest to yourself.
It doesn't always feel good and sometimes we sacrafice so much in order to live our lives honestly. But compare that to a life lived dishonestly and I assure you it is better to face the pain than live a life of lies.

Thank you to Mesina for granting me permission to use extracts from her blog post ‘The Many Faces of Honesty’ you can view the full post by clicking here.


  1. This is a beautiful post and I feel very honored that you have seen fit to use extracts from my blog. Thank you, and I must say you've really hit some valid points here. Although I am not a Stepmom myself, my partner came into my life with me already having 3 children. I have a teenager, a young 8 year old and a toddler. It's not been easy for him and like you sometimes he struggled to be open about how he felt to start with. But, in the end he opened up and we've had great communication ever since making the transition easier.

    I have no doubts your stepdaughter is a lucky girl and it won't be long before she begins to see that. I remain hopeful! xx

  2. Thanks Mesina.

    I have found we all need to be open and have an open mind.

    I do think that stepmothers and stepfathers are viewed differently,but the issues remain the same.

    My stepdaughter is preteen and already rebelling but thats for another post lol

    Loved your post and writing style. Might call on your writing again if thats ok.

    Have a great tuesday!


  3. Great great GREAT post!!! It's funny how we try to bite our tongues to seem like we have it together, when in reality if we were only honest with everyone we would really have it together.
    Loved this! Thanks!

  4. God's Blessings to You! I am not a stepmother, but a mother who is/was a stepchild. I am costantly shamed remembering how I acted toward the stepparents in my life. They were gracious enough to understand, and now that I am an adult we have much better relationships. Hang in there. Sounds like your heart is in the right place...and one day they'll notice...
    Stopping by from SITS!

  5. EWO - Thats is exactly. Sometimes I have bitten my tongue so much it sounds like I have a speech impediment, if you know what I mean.

  6. The Blonde Duck - thanks for dropping by.

  7. BJ Mama - My stepdaughter is only 12 but has started rebelling. I pray with time as she gets older she will come to realise that we all love her.

  8. So true, honesty is the best policy however its not easy and I think as stepmothers we worry that if we are too honest we will be rejected or viewed as wicked. What a wonerful post, really hits home. Thank you!

  9. I agree with you Life, its a fine line sometimes.